Opopanox, Home of the Arrogant Worm

I blog wander often and I’ve spotted some (fairly) recent posts in other’s blogs that discuss identity in its various forms, and since I find it pertinent to that rather insufficient and pretty vague post I made myself on identity the day before, “Sploosh” being the title, I wanted to, well, give a heads up that other people have been pondering and voicing their opinion on the same types of things. Besides, I like how clear they are, which is a definite contrast to moi, and it’s something I need to work on.

Link post titled A Question Of Authenticity
At Pandanose

Link post titled Judging Authenticity
At A Weblog

Link post titled Gendered/Sexual/Fragments
At Sexual Ambiguities

Words that got me all a-twitter;

“I demand the right to be partial, to be fragmented, contradictory or just plain fucked up. I demand it…and I am done apologising.”

and

“Being is not, cannot, be fixed, is necessarily translated across space and time and it does not remain unmodified by that translation (what am I becoming? A different version of queer, I think).”
-Emily at Sexual Ambiguities

(As an aside, Emily’s other posts kick ass as well from what I see. Go, read! I wanted to link to ‘passing’ but that’s more of an excerpt from a book type of thing, one which I’m now pining for. Bah.)

So many beautiful minds and interesting thoughts, at the rate m’going this blog’ll be more like one long list linking everywhere instead of a place for my own mutating ideas.

Also, with regards to the “Sploosh” post below, again, I prolly need to clear a few things up, but one is on the top of my head at the moment.

Masculine and feminine. Hm. These two words suggest to me that there’s two sexes. To me, they hang off ‘male’ and ‘female’ like a moldy shroud, because they seem to be a type of qualifier based on behavior that’s assumed to be an extension of biological sex. And that no matter an action, a way to dress or a thought, it ‘has’ to fit into one category or the other.

Like, hm, a woman would be feminine because she was female, but the degree of that femininity could vary widely. I see femme and butch as, well, -not-having-the-same-definition as femininity and masculinity.

To me, (And feel free to voice your opinion, I won’t step on ya, promise) the words femme and butch can be used to describe anyone who’s displaying a set of behaviors that’s associated with a sex but that the behaviors aren’t inherent to that sex.

*You know, I’ve got this sneaking suspicion that everyone else has already dealt with their own version of these words and what they mean to them, and that I’m just nattering on for my own benefit while Possible Anonymous Readers roll their eyes and wonder if I’ll ever catch up to whatever current topic is being discussed today. Not that I mind, but it makes me wonder if you all just want me to stick these kinds of posts in ‘Draft’ and pick sumthin’ else. Not that I would, but self-doubt, eh, it can be a killer.

-P.P.P
(Pardon, Personal Pondering)

-And is it just me, or is there an influx of hot Mormons in the Valley? It’s like, whomever sends ‘em out to discuss religion and convert here makes sure they’re in their late teens to mid-twenties and conventionally good looking. There’s gotta be Mormons who go door to door that’re middle aged and older, but I just haven’t seen them yet.

Although…the looks-thing reminds me of the Venus Flytrap, only with people, because once they spot you, they want to talk to you, but you can’t get a good look at them unless you get close enough, and then they see you and you can’t politely leave without feeling a bit bad because they took time out of their day to talk to ya. Bah humbug.

It’s like, there’s eye candy right-over-there, but if I go downstairs they’ll want my attention for the next few hours. Religion is one of the things I refuse to discuss in ‘real life’ unless I know someone well, and even then it’s iffy, ‘cuz most people try and override opinions when something that personal is discussed. As apposed to Jehova’s Witnesses, who send out people my mother’s age to talk about religion and convert. Yes, yes, I know there’s prolly younger door-to-door people as well, but again, I haven’t spotted them in this area.

Now, you might be thinking, what’s the harm in talking? I, too, thought that way once upon a time. But the last time I talked to the door-to-door people, a few months later the same guys spotted me across a hospital parking lot, called my name to get me to stop and zoomed over uninvited when I was in a hurry, and if there’s two things I hate, it’s people I don’t know chasing me down, in public no less, and people trying to keep me in one spot when I have pressing business elsewhere. Not being able to see who you’re talking to unless they’re a few feet away really puts a kink in making a graceful exit, in my not-so-humble-opinion.

Alright, a guide to your rights in the instance of an INS raid, which I stumbled upon at BrownFemiPower’s blog, which she got at Incite! Women of Color Against Violence. I figure that the more it’s reproduced then the more the info’ll be passed around, instead of only linking.

BrownFemiPower’s blog link is to your right.

Link Incite! Women of Color Against Violence

Important:

Guide To Your Rights In The Instance Of An INS Raid:

It is important the immigrant population be prepared and informed regarding their rights before, during, and after any INS raid takes place. The following information provides important recommendations as to what you should or should not do if you are detained by the INS or your local police, or other authorities.

BEFORE A RAID

* Be prepared and plan ahead.

* Contact an immigrant advocate, attorney, or qualified community agency and be well-informed abut your rights.

* Know what documents you should carry with you at all times. It is advisable to carry a state ID or a driver’s license. These documents contain information about you and contain no information at all about your immigration status or your country of origin.

* Do no carry any documentation brought from your country of origin.

* Do not carry false documents with you.

* If possible, carry a card that states you wish to exercise your right to remain silent for use in case you are interrogated by INS officers. These cards are usually available from immigrant-rights organizations in your area.

* Always carry the name and the phone number of any immigration advocate, a lawyer, and/or an agency who will provide you with advice and other help in case the INS detains you.

* Inform your neighbors and co-workers, regardless of their immigration status, of their right to remain silent if the INS comes to your neighborhood or workplace.

DURING A RAID

At your home–

* Do not let any INS official or public officer into your home/house/apartment without a court warrant. If they do not have one, they need your authorization in order to go inside. Ask them to put the warrant under the door. The warrant has specific names of people that he agents are looking for and should be signed by a judge. You should not open the door if the agents do not have a warrant or if it does not meet these requirements.

* If INS officials or policy officers enter without proper authorization, ask for their names and/or write down their badge numbers.
* Obtain the names and phone numbers of any witnesses.

At your home or workplace–

* Remain calm and do not try to run away. If you do so, the INS may use that against you.

* Refuse to answer any questions regarding your birthplace and your legal status, unless your lawyer is present.

* If you lie about your name, your relatives will have difficulty trying to find you.

* If you have children in school who will not have someone to watch them while you are detained, say so, and ask to make arrangements.

* Share information about the raid with your co-workers. If there is a union in your workplace, contact a union official.

AFTER A RAID

Remember that both documented persons have the following rights. Keep them in mind at all times:

* The right to make a phone call

* The right to speak to a lawyer

* The right to say nothing unless your lawyer is present

* The right to a hearing before an immigration judge.

IMPORTANT:

Do NOT sign any document. If the INS tries to convince you to sign any document, you should refuse to do so. That document might allow them to deport you without giving you the opportunity to see an immigration advocate or your lawyer. Keep a receipt of any personal property that is confiscated.

REPORT ANY INCIDENTS OF RAIDS OR ABUSES/MISTREATMENT BY BORDER PATROL, INS, US CUSTOMS OR POLICE.

Contact your local immigrant rights organization, or

Immigration Law Enforcement Project: 956-425-9552, or the National Network of Immigrant and Refugee Rights, 510-465-1984.

Information complied from the National Network for Immigrant and Refugee Rights, 310 – 8th St, Suite 307, Oakland CA 94607, nnirr@nnirr.org. Web site: www.nnirr.org. Phone: 510-465-1984. They have this information available in a number of languages.

Heeeellllllllllppppppppp

“Gurgle”

Heeeellllllllllppppppppp Meeeeeeeeee

~Splash~

“Splutter”

……

They say you can drown in as little as a tablespoon-full of water. Sometimes, I wonder how they tested that theory, and if the same can be applied to ignorance. On my bad days, I believe it can.

Unfortunately the same goes for my good days, so that ain’t say’n much.

I’m going to talk about Ignorance and Willful Ignorance with regards to gender and identity, if you’ll be kind enough to indulge me.

……

Thank you for this indulgence, by the way, as I believe there’s nothing quite as unretrievable as time.

Ig·no·rance: The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.

The differences between Ignorance and Willful Ignorance for a person, I find, is that though both may hurt the person and who they interact with, only Willful Ignorance is driven by a personal fear of a thing. I think the fear stems from having the sense of one’s beliefs, which often tie to the sense of self, challenged. Because if a person has a strong belief about a thing and some or all of it turns out to be false in their eyes, to be not, then the opposite of what they believe may be not as well.

Alas, while Ignorance may be combated through example, it seems Willful Ignorance cannot be dispersed unless the person finds examples that reinforce another concept and wants to shed it at the same time. Ignorance has the tendency to mutate into Willful Ignorance, though, when left to time and other’s reinforcement of the same beliefs.

I’m going somewhere with this, honest.

I should probably tell you now that I consider the idea of masculinity and femininity as separate concepts to be arbitrary. I believe, for something to be considered a masculine or a feminine behavior, that it has to be exibited by the entirety of the gender that the concept describes. Since I haven’t found a behavior that encompasses all of one sex and not another, I’ve concluded that masculinity and femininity do not exist.

Which leads to my next pondering, in a way.

What, exactly, is a real man? Or a real woman, for that matter?

I’ve heard various definitions, but none of them seems to pan out in the long run, at least for me. If you ask me, I’ll respond that I’m a man. Even though I can’t tell you with any type of certainly what the definition of ‘man’ is. I can’t even give you a vague idea because ‘man’ and ‘woman’ are such convoluted concepts.

So.

Gender through experience? Well, hmmm. That can be a toughie, really. I’m not sure I buy that gender is done through experience. In fact, I’m currently in the ‘no’ camp on that one, although like anything else, it’s subject, of course, to change.

How long would one have to have experience in a particular gender to qualify as that gender, and does everyone have to view you the same way? And if you’ve been viewed and reacted to as both, what, exactly, does that make you if gender is through experience? Both? Neither? Another concept entirely?

Gender through body arrangement? Lots of holes in that one, I think. Accidents, illness, surgery, ‘abnormal’ body arrangement, none of those erase gender as viewed by others, although they can modify gender as experienced by self.

Biological functions? Mmmm, no again. Not everyone in a gender experiences the same biology as the rest of their group for various reasons, some deliberate and some beyond a person’s control.

Function, Arrangement and Experience…what’s left to decide gender?

Ignorance, Willfull Ignorance, or something else?

I’d like to say the self defines gender, but I haven’t figured out how a self would come to such a conclusion.

And, if I may be so bold, how do you understand your gender?

Very Important;

Some unfortunately powerful assholes in authority have taken a lot of children from a lot of parents, mostly mothers, in the New Bedford area in MA.

They started deporting parents because the parents are ‘illegal’ immigrants.

Heaven forfend that Authority does anything reasonable, the fuckers. The only time they seem capable of doing anything is when it’s the wrong thing. For instance, the parents who were taken into custody? Authority could’ve fixed their fucking working conditions and pay rate.

The word illegal can go screw itself as well. It’s just one of those days where my middle finger is my only response to ‘authority’ and the decisions it makes for the ‘common good,’ especially in regards to the concept of ‘illegal’ when it reffers to people.

I’m sorry, my brain is still stalled, but fortunately other people have gotten on the ball with this.

Please Help. If I could figure out how to guilt whomever stumbles upon this, I would. On the 17th over six hundred people in New England attended the “Where Is My Mother?” Rally to Support New Bedford Immigrant Families.

That isn’t enough people showing support.

If you are able to help but choose not to, be aware that at least one person who has no idea who you are considers you a loathsome, fetid little maggot that isn’t fit to be a smear upon the bottom of those parent’s shoes. Don’t worry, I’ve enough loathing to go around, be assured you’ll get your share.

I’m going to heavily rip off the MIRA site below, but in this case I think they’d encourage it.

Link MIRA

Now, a guide to getting off our collective ass and helping. Below is a link to donate funds online.

Link Donate Funds Online

1. Please specify that the funds are for “New Bedford Immigrant Families / Ninos Fund.” Or send a check to the MIRA Coalition, 105 Chauncy St, Boston, MA 02111. Please make checks out to the “New Bedford Immigrant Families / Ninos Fund.” Donations are tax-deductible and 100% of your donations to this fund will be distributed to the affected families through the Community Foundation of Southeastern MA (CFSEMA).

2. Volunteers: Right now we need people willing to drive New Bedford families from their homes to and from the JFK federal building in Boston. Father Fallon has generously allowed the use of the Catholic Social Services passenger van, available for volunteers. Drivers must have a valid license and have some basic Spanish language capability.

If you are available, please call Father Fallon at (508) 997-7337

We also need immigration lawyers willing to take pro-bono cases, preferably a bilingual Spanish speaker. Please call MIRA with your name and contact information at 617-350-5480 x212.

3. Material Donations: Needed items: Pampers in all sizes; Baby wipes; bottles and bottle liners; Enfamil Soy baby formula; all types of baby food and winter baby clothing. Canned food, bottled water and paper products are also needed. Donations should be dropped off between 8:30am and 4:30pm, Monday through Friday ONLY at 2 Acushnet Ave, New Bedford at the Our Lady of Guadalupe Convent.

If you have a FAMILY MEMBER detained in this raid, you can call ICE at 1-866-341-3858 to get more information about the arrested individual.

There’s been an update.

Immigration attorneys based in Boston won an immediate injuctive to stop the transportation of all remaining detainees from Massachusetts. and disputed the veracity of an affidavit filed by the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials.

That they needed an attorney to stop the eviction in the first place is reprehensible.

Fetch Me My Ax (Her link is to your right) has a massive amount of links to the news articles, UTube videos and bloggers who are also writing about this tragic fuckup. The reason I mention this is because I’m not going to waste time duplicating links when another source already has them in one spot. I suspect other’s blog posts will link around as well, so get your ass reading and moving.

I…well, I’ve a confession to make. No no, it’s nothing horribly bad, but it’s..well, hm. Mediocre bad? I found a site called “Overheard In New York”. I’m a sucker for quotes and the context they’re made in, so, well…I’m afraid I couldn’t resist clicking on the link. And…. ~tears~ …I’ve been reading it. Yes, yes, I know, I’m a horrible person for finding some of it funny. Not all, but damn some choice one’s, well, I can’t help it. ~Snerk~

Link Overheard In New York

And I want to share them with you.

My generosity knows no bounds.

Female conductor over speaker: Oh, I know you did not! If you wanna wait for your friends, you wait on the platform — do not hold my motherfucking doors!
-Manhattan-bound 1 train, 225th St

Security lady: ID!
Girl: I left mine upstairs in the library.
Security lady: You need it every time you leave the building.
Girl: But I told you I was going out. Don’t you remember?
Security lady: I don’t remember a lot of things.
-Cardozo School of Law, 5th Avenue

Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
-Uptown A train

Five-year-old boy throwing wad of trash at younger brother: Say hello to my little friend!
-15th & 7th, Brooklyn

Six-year-old to guy stranger while hiding behind mother on cell: Hi.
20-something guy: Hello…
Six-year-old, grabbing guy’s hand: Hi.
20 something guy, confused: Hello…
Six-year-old to mom: I picked one!
Mom: You picked what? No! I told you that you could pick out the stamps, not a person! Put him back!
-Post office

SUNY purchase student #1: My fucking head hurts.
SUNY purchase student #2 pulling out bag of white pills: Dude, take these pills. You’ll feel better.
SUNY purchase student #1: Uh… What are they?
SUNY purchase student #2: Uh, codeine I think? I don’t know. Yeah, I stole them from a kid at the party last night. He said he found them in a garbage can.
SUNY purchase student #1: Jesus, dude, no.
-Grand Central

Mother with little girl: Excuse me. My daughter wants to know if you’re a pirate.
Woman wearing bandana: No. I’m just a lesbian.
-Crema Restaurante, 17th & 6th

Mother: Don’t you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
-Union Square

Hey, A. We’re still friends, right? Same ‘ole, same ‘ole? Yea?

Then can I ask what’s with the gradual hostility, then? To the best of my knowledge, you moved out all by yourself, I didn’t boot you out. I’m still letting you house some of your stuff here, so that can’t be it. I don’t owe you money, and you don’t owe me, either.

So, what’s with the comments? Hrm?

You n’M n’C are the ones who passed the pipe in my direction, I don’t mooch (I don’t even normally smoke, it’s been months.) and I wasn’t boggartin’ or anything even close.

I don’t need to hear you say how everyone there needs visine but me because my eyes are narrow/slanted/whatever-the-fuck wether I’m smokin’ or not.

It’s not on my list of things I need to hear first thing in the morning.

Was it just a bad joke that fell flat, A?

You know, the kind ya wing, they just pop out of your mouth, unbidden…

You don’t even realize they suck ’till after they fall out.

Bad jokes happen to the best of us, really.

You can tell me.

We’re all friends here.

Reason I ask is, you’ve moved from saying things like that every once in awhile when we’re alone to saying it in front of people, A. Which I could see as a logical conclusion if I laughed at those jokes of yours, but I’ve already explained that hey, they ain’t funny to me. And it isn’t …correct to make jokes unless the person you’re joking about finds them funny as well.

We’ve been acquainted a few years, and let me say, that’s a mighty big step for you.

One I freely admit I’m failing to appreciate.

In fact, I’m failing to appreciate your comedic effort (is it effort? I’m doubtful) so much as of late, I do believe I’ll open my mouth the next time. (Or perhaps the time after that, if little ears are listening) You need to be informed of exactly how far your head seems to be shoved up your ass, ‘cuz if someone hasn’t told you yet, they’re doing you a great disservice.

I would’ve done it today, you understand, but I was a bit shocked that you said something so asinine and rude aloud. My brain stalled, y’might say.

But this was a full joke, complete with punchline, and it clearly was awaiting laughter.

Which, I hope you noticed, neither C nor M dared to give.

(There’s an important lesson there, I hope you’ve picked it up)

Perhaps I’ve been too lenient with you.

I do that when I’m fond of someone. It’s a bad habit.

Now, don’t get me wrong, normally you’re great. Hard to find your vocabulary and larger opinions in the valley, and I do appreciate it. On the whole, you’re a decent person, and good to me. And while the small bits of ingrained stupidity that leak out and vague odds and ends I’ll lightly brush off, (‘cuz people make mistakes) I ain’t gonna tolerate repetition from the same source over and over. I won’t call you on everything. Policing people isn’t my job. But the larger things, the repeated things?

The oh, say, tasteless things.

Because hey, I’m starting to wonder and worry ’bout ya, and can I just say (since we’re on the subject) that the first feelin’ ain’t good and the second one is even worse?

…Either you or those ‘jokes’ are gonna go, A.

Mmmm. Definitely irritable today. Life and the internet sucks these past few days. I’m gonna skip my monetary problems (‘Cuz frankly, they don’t change, and I imagine it gets boring reading it over and over.) and instead, point you, dear pretend readers, to Alas, A Blog.

Link Empty Spaces here

It’s an interesting thread, all together. Enlightening, even. Most of it is about housing.

But some of the conversation about ‘entitlements’ wander.

Like, wander into the territory of foodstamps.

The part I find distinctly interesting is FurryCatHerder’s ideas regarding food stamps. And the little offer of selling me a card, when there was never the intent to help in the first place.

I’ve been arguing that the amount of spendable money on foodstamps isn’t enough to feed people, particularly children, fresh fruits and vegetables.

She says people sell their cards for half the price of what’s on the card, so much so that benefits need to be cut in half to teach us (the people who use the cards) a lesson about responsibility.

For those of you who’ve used food stamps, I’m sure your jaws are dropping. Can’t afford to sell a card you need, especially at no benefit to yourself.

She didn’t actually mean sell a card, for further …clarification. What she says she means now is ‘borrowing’ a card, then giving it back. This was after she volunteered to sell me cards.

Needless to say, she won’t. She was, quite literally, dangling the prospect of food, fresh fruit and fucking vegetables that the families I know that are on foodstamps can’t afford, That I couldn’t afford myself when I was on foodstamps because they don’t give you enough money to eat with for the month, in front of hungry people and yanking it away.

Really, go over and look. The thread’s on comment 263, I b’lieve, right now.

Here, I’ll sum up her opinions on the people who need foodstamps in two simple words.

Fuck ‘em.

She thinks that most people abuse food stamps, which is why she says she’d rather have them cut in half.

Yes. The cards are so abused hungry people are willing to send money to someone (Her) that I met online to get the chance to get double what they sent to her to buy fresh shit, and food that, Gasp! might last the whole month. These are people with kids. And no, I’m not talking about me. I took the liberty of asking some of the families I know in ‘real life’. People expressed doubt about the validity of her offer. Some decided they’d try it if it was a true offer, others declined.

Doesn’t matter though, she was lying about her offer.

Obviously some people abuse foodstamps, especially if they’re getting ’sold.’ But there wouldn’t be abuse if there wasn’t a market for it. People need to eat, so there’s a fuckin’ market. Not hard to understand.

And she wants to cut them in half?!

Brain is a bit boggled right now, this post probably isn’t very coherent.

A Meme courtesy of BelleDame222 from Fetch Me My Ax that I thought I’d try my hand at. Passin’ it around. (Y’can find her link in the sidebar)

So, onward!

-Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” or somthin’ along those lines.
-I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate!
-You WILL update your journal/bloggy thing/whatever with the answers to the questions.
-You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
-When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1) Where’d your handle come from?

A mix of things, really. I like the Canadien comedy band “The Arrogant Worms” which is how I saw the two words together in the first place, but the words themselves make me laugh because I find it funny to picture an arrogant worm. Bit of how I view myself, actually.

2) What makes you laugh harder than anything else?

Irony, hands down. Which is good, since at least I’m easily amused that way.

3) What’ve you got on your feet right now?

A ratty pair of dusky blue sneakers with white stripes on the side. They’re a bit scary but they’re so comfy, and I’m suprised no one has thrown ‘em out on me yet cuz they’re past the ’starting to smell a a mite off’ stage.

4) Mac or PC?

I…do not know. It’s cobbled together. The monitor’s a Dell, the pc itself is a Gateway2000 P5-200, the speakers…who knows. Call it a Hybrid.

5) What or who did you want to be (“when you grew up”) when you were a kid?

Oh geez, so many answers. Artist, art teacher, singer, actor, then back to artist. Which is kinda funny, since they’re all a form ‘o art, anyway.

Taker’s more’n welcome, use the comment section though, otherwise your email’ll end up in the junk bin. It takes me awhile to sort, and I don’t want to accidentally miss someone, should someone decide to take it.

‘Ello. I’m going to try and give an example in the differences of thought in a groups.

We all know, I hope, that women tend to feel uncomfortable walking alone at night for fear of rape due to the statistical prevelence of it in the group and, I think, (although I’m not sure) societal messages reminding them to be careful and not to walk alone at night.

If I’m not misremembering what is said, women grow up with this fear, it’s a constant thing, not something that starts willy-nilly in adulthood.

I didn’t know this fear existed until I ran into it on the internet. Startled the hell out of me, let me tell you. My parents, for instance, tell me to be careful walking alone at night. I always thought they just feared for my safety in the general way that parents tend to do. You know, watch out for cars, don’t talk to or take candy from strangers, the things kids are taught growing up. Except I was under the impression they meant ‘watch for cars’ because I trip and run into things, and parked cars are a personal enemy of mine. The stranger thing? I thought they just didn’t want me to get kidnapped, although I did think it was mighty weird that they were constantly warning an adult about the possibility of kidnap.

I don’t have this fear, despite hearing the same societal messages and reading the statistics and being physically female, and despite being a victim of rape myself. I don’t know how to emphathize specifically in regards to the fear, because I haven’t felt a constant fear with violence from a specific gender. And I don’t know why I don’t have this fear, but I’m now aware that in general, women have this fear and for myself it’s absent.

At first, after I realized this particular fear existed, I thought that it might be because I consider myself male, but I rejected that because I’m more than aware that my gender is decided, ultimately, by the people who interact with me. So logically, since I know some people in real life gender me as female and some as male and that some are unable to gender me at all, that I should be fearing this when I walk alone at night, as I prefer to do and often do in the summer, since to some I’m firmly in the female category.

What this is, is an anecdotal example of the common experience of an oppressed group that through technicality I belong to that has been interpreted by myself differently despite being immersed in the same set of messages and actions the same way the rest of the group is immersed in them.

Perhaps to have the same feeling I’d need to have had it occurred in the specific context the group is afraid of. But then, I don’t really think so. I’ve experience with rape (as I typed before) and it isn’t a pleasant. But I don’t fear it in itself, and I think I’d need to fear it like that in order for it to have a context.

I can empathize with fear by itself. Like the telephone. BitchPhd had a post and in the comments it talked about hesitancy and fear from making appointments and gathering information on the phone. I can relate to that, because I’ve felt the same thing when dealing with the phone.

I’ve considered that the phone thing, along with me not liking to be around people directly, might be me disliking people and/or thinking them dim, but ultimately, that doesn’t make much sense. Because I do like to be around people, and different people have different subjects they’re knowledgeable in. And I like to be around my friends, just not for very long. Although (and I’m aware this sounds odd) it’s really nice when they’re around but not paying attention to me. Like if one is, oh, say, playing videogames and another is in the kitchen making a sandwich. Both around, but neither one around me. So that doesn’t really fly, either.

Might be a good idea to put a bit of history on here so people have some idea of where I’m coming from. Because, while I don’t know your personal history(s) I’m pretty sure that I don’t interact the same way with the world as you do.

There’s Nazua’s piece on racism and some comments that you can find on Fetch Me My Ax. I tried to talk about how experiences are perceived and understood by an individual and how they might not match the general views of experiences by a collective group (any collective group, I’ve a habit of talking and typing in specific generalities, which I’m beginning to think isn’t acceptable because what I’m trying to say isn’t understood the same way as everyone else says they read it as. There’s always been a gap there, my elementary school tried to fix it because they didn’t see me as developing ‘normally,’ it was also the reason I was held back in school, according to my mother. They gave up and let me go off by myself to be alone with my words, for which I’m thankful, and, well, not so thankful at the same time.

It isn’t that I’m not personable (I consider myself so in certain situations; others I’ve talked to in real life don’t), it’s that I take different things away from an experience than a John Doe with similar experiences down the block would, irregardless of our respective similar history. I’ve tried to immerse myself in society to fix my sense of perception myself, it hasn’t worked, and it gives me nasty headaches. In fact, people tend to make me incredibly uncomfortable if they pay attention to me for more than a moment. I like to be around people, but I don’t like them to be around me, if that makes sense. I’m happiest in a city or a busy town, where people don’t pay attention to each other. The city is a bit different regarding eye contact, but the space is the same.

What I’m trying to say is there can be other things besides sexism/class issues/racism/insert-oppression-here that affect how we as people understand sexism/class issues/racism/insert-oppression-here. Which is what I thought Central Content Publisher was talking about. But in all honesty, I don’t know what people are talking about, it all depends on how I read words and the context those words are used in a sentence.

You can forget real life conversation, because while I can follow it and understand what’s said, my responses don’t seem to make much sense to others. I don’t like it. A lot. There’s too many personal anecdotes based on feeling. I’d rather let the sound of chatter wash over me at a distance. That and I’m just better with people online, or in letters.

For me, it isn’t that I find that I’m outraged that I can’t know an experience or understand it. My history involves people not understanding things as I say/type them constantly, so I don’t expect anyone else to understand me as well without an unholy amount of inaccuracy that I’ve got to try and fix myself. My constant mistake, I find, is that more often than not what people say/type is not what I get from the conversation, and since I don’t interact with many people, I often forget that and assume it is.

People make me irritable and tense. When I say I’m mad or when people believe I’m mad, better than nine times out of ten I’m actually irritable. People don’t have to be doing anything to me, I just have to be around them when they’re …I don’t believe there’s a word for it. It isn’t when they’re vocal or energetic, it’s when they share their consciousness with me. It’s almost like a ‘get out of my space’ thing, but not space in the sense it’s usually used in. It’s like their minds overlap mine, and it’s extremely uncomfortable if it goes on for more than a few minutes.

I’ve tried therapy and many, many different types of medication, neither helps. The only way I’m not irritable is when I’m by myself, or getting them out of my line of sight and making sure their back is to me. And I still tend to be tense when they’re in the same room. Probably because people want conversation when they’re together, and I have a habit of screwing it up. Otherwise I get confrontational in my irritableness. I get mad, perhaps, ten to fifteen times a year at a generous estimate in the same sense that I understand other people get mad.*

Where I’m attempting to go with this is that there was a disagreement over wether a white person can understand the concept of a Poc group’s collective general experience well enough to relay it to a person of color. Of course I could be wrong on what the question meant, but I also tried to include what everyone else was saying in context, and that’s what it looked like it was saying to me. But no one said I had understood the question wrong, so I figured I was right. No one said that I was being offensive until the damage was already done, which is the worst time to tell someone, as it’s after the fact.

This was the question, asked by Donna.

But do you really think there is any time that even the most empathetic white person could speak with authority to POC experience of racism?

A valid question, but my mistake was that I thought like myself and people don’t tend to expect that if they don’t know me personally. Because of that, my answers went to hell in a handbasket with others’ perceptions of it, as I was going by the way *I* think. The second time I tried to generalize what other people experience as a whole, so I said ‘no.’ But then Central Content Publisher brought up that other modes of possible perceptions and histories could possibly be used. Or at least, that’s how I read it, so I went back to my original opinion which included Poc who could be perceiving the world the same ways I do myself, as opposed to the second opinion which I perceive to only hold only how others view and interact mentally with the world.

Also, some people thought using the example that a Poc with Down’s syndrome might, not will but might(I don’t usually deal in absolutes) experience the world differently and as such experience racism differently towards themselves into the conversation as an example was offensive.

I honestly don’t get why that would be offensive. Different people have different ways of thinking that set up how they experience the world, wether brought about by genetics, social upbringing (which is why I suggested ‘hermit’ as an example) mental disability, what have you. That shapes how people experience things. That isn’t offensive to me, that is life. It’s a way of being. You can’t not celebrate and communicate difference if it isn’t acknowledged as a difference. To me, it was offensive to brush possible differences under the rug, to ignore that they might matter.

With myself, I find it as difficult to understand the feelings of oppression someone is coming from wether they’ve experienced the same types of things as I have or not.

I don’t know what answer I’d choose, because, after careful thought, if a person has a different understanding of an experience of their oppression than the majority of the others, then it doesn’t matter who tries to explain it, the persons perceptions of it would still be a foreign concept.

Much like how I attempt to understand how you people interact and experience others every day.

Edited to add; Maybe it’s a focus of attention thing. The word ‘conscious’ doesn’t seem to fit up there well. It’s not that I’m shy, that feeling is different than this. No shyness involved in this post, for those who feel like chalking it up to that.

*Clarification;
That is, by mad I mean the feeling of rage that happens for no apparent reason and/or because of something minor that in another instance, you would brush off and go about your day, or possibly because you just get fed up with someone’s thoughts or opinions. The kicking, screaming, throwing-objects type of mad.