Lack of Sexual Ethics, Now Brought To You by Feminism

Another post. Woo. The article Jill’s post is based on is the link below, Jill’s is directly under it.

Link He Won’t Go Down on Me

Link to Dealbreaker Indeed by Jill

Dealbreaker indeed.

This article about a lady whose dude wouldn’t go down on her is very good, and you should read it. But here’s the part that interests me most:
While Robert had abandoned cunnilingus after one sour taste, I had no such hang-ups. But when it came to going to bed with a straight guy who wouldn’t perform oral sex, there was no roadmap to articulate my experience. As Robert worked through his issues, I consulted the experts. Over drinks and late-night phone calls, friends told me that healthy relationships are give-and-take, not a one-way street. But online, sex columnists advised me never to coerce or pressure anyone into a sexual act he wasn’t comfortable with.

I’m mostly in the Jaclyn Friedman camp of sexual ethics: Everyone is fully entitled to boundaries, and sex acts should be consented to enthusiastically, not agreed to grudgingly. But I’m also a Dan Savage sympathizer, insofar as he argues we’re also entitled to sexual pleasure and when in relationships we should try to sexually please our partner — we should (safely) try new things, and be giving and generous in bed (and expect the same in return).
So of course you should never coerce or pressure anyone into a sexual act he or she isn’t comfortable with. But at the same time, I think it’s important to interrogate the aversion to certain sexual acts — especially those that come with misogynist or homophobic baggage. There are important cultural and historical reasons why “I won’t go down on women” is slightly different from “I won’t let a dude come on my face.” Does a dude have a 100% right to be like, “I don’t like giving oral sex, and that is a boundary for me and I won’t do it”? Yes. Without some relatively good reason for why he doesn’t like oral sex (other than “it’s gross”), do women who enjoy receiving oral sex (who I realize are not all women, but for the purpose of this post I am talking about those women who do enjoy it, which are a lot of women) have a 100% right to be like, “That is some misogynist bullshit right there, and if you are not only unwilling to give me what I need to be sexually satisfied but you also pathologize my body then you are officially kicked to the curb”? YES.
I mean, look: If you have a spine issue that makes the head angle excruciatingly painful, ok, I get that. I do not doubt that straight men exist who don’t eat pussy for some reason other than being misogynist assholes. But I don’t think, for the most part, neck injuries are why dudes refuse to give oral sex (although — and this may be related to the fact that dudes are somewhat hesitant to say woman-hating things around feminist bloggers — I have never actually met a dude who said he didn’t like giving oral sex. I have heard they exist, though, and they sound terrible). It seems to be that dudes refuse to go down on a lady because they think it’s gross, or because they find it emasculating (how a close encounter of the vaginal kind amounts to some sort of “no homo” moment is beyond me, but ok), or because they just don’t have to since vaginal sex is ostensibly for both of your pleasure and if your girl doesn’t come then, well, whatever. Girls don’t like orgasms as much as boys anyway, right? Either way, it comes down to the idea that female bodies are icky, or that female pleasure just doesn’t matter that much. And if that’s your dude’s view, ok — he’s entitled to think that. He’s also entitled to go to Puppy-Kickers R Us meetings. But he’s not entitled to access to your body any more than he’s entitled to kick the neighbor’s dog. He’s not entitled to a pat on the head and approval of his sexist views, just because they overlap with your sex life (He’s definitely not entitled to blowjobs either). Sure, you have to respect his boundaries — but that doesn’t mean you have to keep on having sex with someone who doesn’t respect you, or that you have to keep your mouth shut as to why it’s offensive that he makes a gross-out face in response to your vagina.

You know, I read this post right after I’d read the ridiculous-reasoning-period-sex post, and I’ve got to say, this one isn’t any better. I’ll admit for a moment there I thought something might have gone right, and then – I remembered the topic at hand.

Which, alas, is sex. Again.

Not that I don’t enjoy sex, mind, but the way these people leach all the joy out of it is downright, dare I write it, dishearteningly libido-killing. The knowledge would make me grudgingly celibate except I know there’s better views out there.

“I’m also a Dan Savage sympathizer, insofar as he argues we’re also entitled to sexual pleasure”

And right there, first half of the first sentence – it’s complete, utter, unadulterated Shite. Here’s why.

First, a Dan Savage sympathizer. Savage’s popularity relies on three things, I think. Sarcasm, the ability to turn a phrase (they’re not the same thing) and to say what everyone wants to hear, deep in their dark-hearted little soul of wants. Sarcasm and wit only go so far and while they can be perfectly grand in the bedroom, where they don’t belong is in the moral navigation of sexual ethics.

Now, as to wants. Most people, I imagine, want to hear that they’re entitled to sexual pleasure.

We’re not. People who think they’re entitled to things feel free to take what isn’t theirs.

When you’re by yourself, yes, you’re entitled. Because it’s you, and you can do whatever you damn well please with yourself.

A relationship, however, is not just you.
So, you still feel entitled? Too bad.

Now, you’re entitled to look (and possibly even find!) a partner who pleases you sexually.

You’re not entitled to expect a partner to ceade to your wishes, wants and secret dreams sexually.

There’s a difference there. Make note of it.

“we should (safely) try new things, and be giving and generous in bed (and expect the same in return).”

I agree with safely. Safely is good. I dislike should, however. ‘Should invokes obligation. There’s a difference between sharing a blanket in bed and feeling obligated to try things you’d really rather not. You can always go get a new blanket from the hall closet, you can’t go get a new you. ‘Should’ has no business being there. If you want to try new things, go ahead and ask your partner! But don’t expect them not to agree.

And there’s another thing in that sentence that makes me neasious. Expecting the same thing in return.

Really? Must be shittin’ me. What an absolutely atrocious concept. And I keep seeing it lauded!

If you’re having sex, the only thing you’re expecting is the sensations your body is giving you. Not future sensations you want to have.

You want to give oral? Great! You want oral? Also great!

But if someone doesn’t want to give you oral?

Tough shit.

You want it that bad from someone who is unwilling, find a new partner. Or pay for it with something that you aren’t giving out for free. Oral isn’t cash. (otherwise I’d be one rich mother fucker. Literally on both counts).
If you definitely want something, you’d better be prepared to pay for it. Again, with something other than what you’ve been freely giving.

I mean, I know sex is the oldest business, but let’s be honest with ourselves. Unless you’re exchanging goods and/or services for other goods and/or services via verbal or written agreement, you’ve got no right to complain that you’re not getting eaten by a partner.

And you know what a relationship is?

It’s not a business contract, I’ll tell you that much.

“So of course you should never coerce or pressure anyone into a sexual act he or she *THEY’RE NOT isn’t comfortable with. “

Now there’s some spiffy sleight-of-hand. Writing it doesn’t make it true when there’s previous agreement that it’s perfectly fine, what with your ‘entitleds’ and your ‘shoulds’ and your ‘expecteded’s’.

“But at the same time, I think it’s important to interrogate the aversion to certain sexual acts — especially those that come with misogynist or homophobic baggage.”

But!

Always a but, see. Always. Pisses me right the fuck off, this does. Particularly the word ‘interrogate’. Because you just know it’s not talking about self interrogation. And it just assumes the reasons a “No.” were given are automatically based on –ist baggage.

-insert whiny “Buuuuut whyyyy won’t you let me….!”- here

“There are important cultural and historical reasons why “I won’t go down on women” is slightly different from “I won’t let a dude come on my face.”

I’m kind of curious. What are these important cultural and historical reasons? Please don’t tell me it’s thirty years of porn, because that’s not particularly historical and culture shifts.

“Does a dude have a 100% right to be like, “I don’t like giving oral sex, and that is a boundary for me and I won’t do it”? Yes.

Oh Really. This goes against everything I’ve seen typed so far, and everything from the previous post I’d seen typed so far. Typing it does not change the actual content of your posts.

“Without some relatively good reason for why he doesn’t like oral sex”

Ah, there it is. The almighty ‘But!’. Apparently not only do I need a reason for not fucking every cissexual man, I need a reason for not fucking every cissexual woman as well. You know what this looks like? Every time a straight person realizes I’m not, in fact, straight (Every. Damn. Time.) they immediately go …You’re not my type”.

This also plays into the meme that men (and people being read as men) are expected to be hyper sexual, always ready and – always willing.

Allow me to take the time to inform that not every person wants to fuck you. And even with the ones that do, no one needs to give you a reason to not want to do any specific sexual act with you. Or anyone else.

“(other than “it’s gross”),”

No other reason than “No” is needed. Nor, again, do you get to choose what reasonings for No Sexual Contact With You are valid.

Now, if I’m feeling particularly generous, I might explain why I won’t do an act. But I don’t – have – to. Because you’re not, in fact, entitled to the use of any part of my body without my consent, and interrogating me is not going to change my mind about that fact. It will, however, make me consider you an asshole and renege any offer of sex. And if you keep pushing the matter, I will make you cry. And then I will leave.

“do women who enjoy receiving oral sex (who I realize are not all women, but for the purpose of this post I am talking about those women who do enjoy it, which are a lot of women) have a 100% right to be like, “That is some misogynist bullshit right there,”

Alright, vagina doesn’t equal woman. Keep having to repeat this for posts from cis people, feels like it’s redundant at this point.

Bloody ridiculous. Still waiting on how not giving a vagina oral is misogynist. Still waiting…still waiting….

But lo! What is this I spot!

It’s blatant disregard! Oh, and shaming.

“Your no is bullshit! Oh, and you hate women! Misogynist!

“and if you are not only unwilling to give me what I need to be sexually satisfied but you also pathologize my body then you are officially kicked to the curb”? YES.”

Now see, at least she acknowledges the unwilling bit. Now if only we could drop the bullshit.

You might need sex (and I know people who do. Hello there! *waves*) but no one is required to give it to you. Which, mind, – also – relates to one of the oldest professions. Also waiting to see how someone not eating you is ‘pathologizing your body’ by not giving you oral sex.

The only thing correct here is the right of someone to leave a sexual relationship if they’re not getting what they’d like out of it.

“I mean, look: If you have a spine issue that makes the head angle excruciatingly painful, ok, I get that. I do not doubt that straight men exist who don’t eat pussy for some reason other than being misogynist assholes.”

The Disability Card That Doesn’t Exist!
Oh, brings a tear to my eye!

Let me tell you something – people with spinal issues who want sex (and other pwd’s) try their damnest to work around physical issues of sexual compatibility. When we want sex we don’t automatically go “Oops, my back is going again, no oral tonight!”

So glad you’re willing to write us off the sexual map though. Real white of you.
Hold that thought though, I need to go get more bingo chips.

“But I don’t think, for the most part, neck injuries are why dudes refuse to give oral sex (although — and this may be related to the fact that dudes are somewhat hesitant to say woman-hating things around feminist bloggers — I have never actually met a dude who said he didn’t like giving oral sex. I have heard they exist, though, and they sound terrible).”

Okay, so let me get this straight; you’re comparing guys who’re hesitant to say things sexist around feminist bloggers = to guys saying they like giving oral sex.

Because they’re both, I dunno, I suppose, they’re…hesitant to piss off The Wimminz?

I really, really hope one of these things is not like the other. Because that means a bunch of people are having sex they don’t actually want. And I notice the author doesn’t seem to give much of a damn at her meandering conclusion, either.

“It seems to be that dudes refuse to go down on a lady because they think it’s gross, or because they find it emasculating”

Okay, so – you’ve admitted you’ve never actually met a guy who said they don’t like giving oral. So where, exactly, are you getting the repitition of “It’s gross!” and “I find it emasculating!” responses from?

Now, I’m sure some people from all the sexes give that particular response for oral. Far be it from me to claim otherwise.

But if you haven’t met any, and I certainly haven’t met any, and I’ve yet to hear from my acquaintances, friends, roommates and old-school chums (many of whom also fuck men) that they’ve heard such responses, so…where’s this epidemic at, exactly?

“(how a close encounter of the vaginal kind amounts to some sort of “no homo” moment is beyond me, but ok)”

Hey, I’m transitioning. What do you think I’ll look like when I’m done, Jill? Not that I agree with the whole concept of “no homo”, but, if they wanted straight sex, gotta say, they wouldn’t be coming to me just because of my crotch. Again, Vagina doesn’t equal Woman doesn’t equal Straight Sex. The repetition, the repitition. Also, ‘no homo’ is a straight, biggoted reassurance that you’re not a gay guy and have no interest in any romantic leanings with your fellow men no matter how much of an asshole you’re – not – being.

“or because they just don’t have to since vaginal sex is ostensibly for both of your pleasure and if your girl doesn’t come then, well, whatever. Girls don’t like orgasms as much as boys anyway, right? ”

“If you don’t give me oral, you don’t care!”

The guilting is ridiculous.

So, again, no. There’s a hell of a lot more ways than oral to get your vagina-having partner to orgasm. Nice twist there, though.

“Either way, it comes down to the idea that female bodies are icky, or that female pleasure just doesn’t matter that much.”

I’m still waiting on your proof of both.

“And if that’s your dude’s view, ok — he’s entitled to think that. He’s also entitled to go to Puppy-Kickers R Us meetings.”

Kicking puppies is not the same as not wanting to do a sexual act.

“But he’s not entitled to access to your body any more than he’s entitled to kick the neighbor’s dog.”

Very good! At last, something besides safer sex that we agree on! Thing is, You’re also not entitled to the use of his body. Particularly the use of his mouth on your crotch. Sexual autonomy, he has it.

“He’s not entitled to a pat on the head and approval of his sexist views, just because they overlap with your sex life (He’s definitely not entitled to blowjobs either).”

Since when is acknowledging someone’s right to have control over their own body without shaming and insults a pat on the head?

And you’re the only one who seems to be saying this mythical man is entitled to blowjobs – but only if he gives you oral, natch.

“Sure, you have to respect his boundaries —”

You’re not respecting bounderies here – you’re pissing all over them and trying to inch across as the chalk smears.

“but that doesn’t mean you have to keep on having sex with someone who doesn’t respect you,”

Okay, respect doesn’t equal unmitigated access to anothers’ body.

“or that you have to keep your mouth shut as to why it’s offensive that he makes a gross-out face in response to your vagina.”

If anyone makes a gross out face at your crotch, by all means, lay into ’em. But not giving someone oral doesn’t = No Respect, No Love, No Consideration, No Lust.

“While you’re obligated not to pressure him,”

Ha! The hell you think you’ve been doing, respecting his bounderies?

“I think you are entitled to be like, “Well, we appear to be done here.””

If oral is a dealbreaker, yes, feel free to say that. In fact, if it’s a dealbreaker for you, I encourage you to make that known, right up front. Loudly and clearly. Preferably before you fuck.

Have a conversation or three first, it’ll help in the long run. Do everyone a favor, though, and quit promoting the guilt and the shaming of people of all genders into sexual acts they don’t, in fact, want to do. And quite with the hypersexualization of men meme while you’re at it.

“And I think you’re entitled to tell him that his vagina-phobia is why.”

Only if he says that’s why. Or, you know, if he makes rude remarks about your bits. But a simple “No, no thanks” to oral, and you want to reply with that?
That’s guilting and shaming and pressure, right there.

“Also, has there ever been a straight man in the history of straight men who refused to give oral sex but was also anywhere approaching decent in the sack? (Definitive, 100% correct answer: NO).”

Started with guilt and shame, ended with guilt and shame. Can’t say I’m surprised.

(and this post is coming from someone with a vagina and a serious oral fixation. My genitals shouldn’t seem to matter in this context, but apparently they do).

*There, fixed your continuing-to-erase-me error.

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