Archive for the mental health Category

Orgasm – or Not

Posted in Childhood, mental health, Myself, Ponderings, relationships, sex, Sexual Ethics on November 11, 2011 by arrogantworm

A Unified Theory of Orgasm written by Clarisse Thorn

http://www.amptoons.com/blog/2011/11/09/a-unified-theory-of-orgasm/

I’m surprised someone else has written about it. In that vein, I suppose, so will I. While advice seems to be plentiful when asking how to go about giving or getting orgasms, discussion *about* orgasmic problems seems to be much rarer. It’s nice to see.

The authors’ problem here isn’t mine. I deal with situational anorgasmia, not faint-to-no orgasm. It’s taken a hell of a long time to figure out exactly why, as well. I’ve never had an orgasm through masturbation with a partner in the same room, let alone an orgasm with a partner. That isn’t information partners want to hear.

It didn’t seem to be the sex that was the problem – or rather, sex itself feels great to me. My body seems to be more like a long-haul semi, though. if 0 is not aroused at all, 8 is Orgasm, and 10 is Too Many Orgasms, then my body idles at anywhere from three to seven on a daily basis. Sure, occasionally it naps – every couple of months it totally dies for a week or two. But mostly it’s running. You’d be surprised at the everyday tasks you learn to do when you’re almost always in a state of arousal. I don’t even register a 3 as particularly irritating anymore, it’s just….there. Like blurry vision or my tendency to trip over things.

Unfortunately touch usually irritates the hell out of it, and it isn’t very discriminating. It reacts the same way to people I loath as it does to people I don’t know and to people I like. About, oh, 65 or 70% of the time casual touch makes arousal worse.

Doesn’t make me think about the people in a sexual way, mind – it seems to be a deep-rooted psychological reaction that’s more of a bodily programmed response to touch itself than anything. Which is why I generally tell people I don’t like to be touched. Not because it’s true, but because there’s consent issues involved. Also, it doesn’t always happen – there’s still a 30, 35% chance of someone leaning on me doing jack shit. Kids, however, don’t irritate it. I have read on some discussion groups that similar reasons (Well, not similar so much as, that is, the …Dammit, This Response Isn’t Usual With The Rest of Humanity) are why some women survivors refuse to have kids – and no, it wasn’t hearsay, it was self-stated by them. I generally wouldn’t specify but I don’t usually read those kinds of support groups and those kinds of support groups don’t usually include abused men, as on the whole the usa’s lovely ideology seems to think men can’t be raped, let alone as children.

And yeah, there’s a reason for the situational anorgasmia. Not a very nice one, either. Childhood sexual abuse, at a guess from around 4 1/2, 5 to 7 or 8. I’ve got three memory snapshots that include disturbing prequels and quite a bit of behavior as a child, looking back, that was sexualized. And I know at least two people noticed – unfortunately they asked the wrong questions, or didn’t question at all, just rigidly policed behavior (oddly enough, the one behavior policed with me was the one that wasn’t sexualized, but adults always seem to think hands-under-blankets = playing with yourself).

Anyway, situational anorgasmia – For the past couple of years most of my masturbation fantasies have issues of control in them – pony play would be a good example. So would gangbangs (although to be fair, that’s an old one). Or some interesting twists on Irish and Roman / Greek mythos. It took me a bit to realize the change in direction on my fantasies dealing with control, particularly since I remember being eleven or so and being aroused by rape descriptions in books which seems to resemble my own – which promptly made me shove that arousal possibility to the very back of my brain and refuse all comers.

There was an essay written by Mac McClelland titled “You’ll need to fight me on this: How violent sex helped ease my ptsd” that was pointed out to me.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/5EeWN0/www.good.is/post/how-violent-sex-helped-ease-my-ptsd/

So I pulled the possibility out again, that my brain tends to associate particular rotten behavior from others with arousal, et cetera and so forth. Mulled it over for a while. Then stood up from the comp, had an orgasm (which is awkward because my legs tend to snap together automatically the great majority of the time) and almost fell over. I’m very, very glad nobody else was in the kitchen. Though I suppose if you’ve been ignoring something for twenty or so years you don’t actually *have* to touch yourself for a realization. Though to be completely honest I confirmed it independently later.

I’m not sure if it’s because the CSA is largely unprocessed (as I don’t have most of those memories) or because it happened during formative years so my *personal* sexual association is a bit skewed. Probably both, since it plays out in this specific manner. I was also raped as an adult, however – and that’s been thoroughly processed and while both sets of experiences make me cringe and bring neausea, only the former also makes me horny. I doubt I’d be aroused by cnc otherwise (some people are – I don’t care either way), as only one particular kind of cnc is a turn on, and at that it’s based on my own history.

I’m also keeping an eye out for what might bring flashbacks, as I don’t generally have them. I’ve a pretty good idea what’ll trigger them though as I’ve deliberately avoided certain positions among other things – which is one third of the point of making a rough date to try out consensual non-consent. I doubt my libido’ll ever exclude particular acts of cnc as not arousing, but I’m hoping with broadening retrieved memories and processing them we might be able to also broaden what we can orgasm to with partners. Which would be quite a bit less embarrasing to talk about than this, frankly.

But about the article – while the reasoning behind the acts aren’t quite the same (the author seems to use violent sex to get over a fear that she witnessed some repurcussions of, not that happened *to* her) it still seems like a viable thought for situational anorgasmia. Once my brain stopped circling the idea in disgust and fear, mind. There’s still shame, oh yes, but not nearly so much disgust and fear. But about fetish communities – I find myself loathing the people that claim they want to be raped since the use of the word doesn’t mean what they seem to want it to mean and they’re fucking up the definition of the word. Well, unless they use quotation marks. It’s just, I’ve seen too many people think cnc is the same as actual rape to want to continue to use ‘rape play’ as a general description for consensual non-consent.

Although in my case I suppose it actually is rape play, with a very specific set of purposes, as opposed to just getting off. Although I’ve no room to sneeze at ‘just getting off’. And while I’m complaining I really loath, well, every ‘rape play’ group I’ve seen so far, although there’s some individuals there that are perfectly decent and moral human beings. Like a lot of fetish groups though, there’s also a lot of immature, immoral asses – and it shows up in the posts. Also a lot of misunderstanding about why someone who has been raped would want to try consensual non-consent, let alone mix aspects of age play into it.

VIII. Study Questions!

Here are some things that might be interesting to reflect on:

1) What questions do you have about your orgasm?

Why the hell doesn’t/isn’t it working properly. Which I think I’ve come to a sort of tentative conclusion on, though we’ll have to see if attempts to have an orgasm with a partner actually work. Pretty sure my subconscious goes “Okay, can’t help having an orgasm in those previous situations that we never asked for but I’ll be damned if we’ll let it continue.”
Which doesn’t really help me. So I figure, if we try cnc and play with memory bits and I actually get an orgasm, we can slowly incorperate things that didn’t happen to broaden the “can’t help to/it’s okay to have orgasms” box.

Other than that, not sure what this question entails, really. So in general, why are orgasms so persnickity? Why are there so many kinds? So far I’ve three different kinds, although upon reflection there’s probably five – I’ve yet to get a g-spot orgasm, but apparently depending on the kind of stimulation we can have one *hell* of a long, intense, if-I-could-I’d-scream *single* orgasm. Which was actually a bit of an “Oh, fuck” revelation because the position I was in, couldn’t figure out how to move the vibrator away.

1a) Where have you researched the answers to those questions?
Fetish sites and rape survivors’ groups, not in that order (and occasionally at the same time. Go multitasking – woo.)

1b) Have you ever discussed those questions with your partners?

Yes.

2) What questions do you have about your partners’ orgasms?

How did you figure out what worked for you?

2a) Have you ever asked your partners about their orgasms?

Yes. The information, unfortunately, didn’t help. Well, mostly. I did just have an interesting thought on how to possibly get her to have two different kinds at once.

3) What’s one thing you wish you’d said in bed to a partner?

Uh. Hrm. Probably a lot of things. The most pertinent is that I like intense, hard stimulation. Preferably of the leaning on/holding you still kind. Otherwise I doubt I’ll be able to mentally relax enough to orgasm with a partner. At least, I’m pretty sure that’ll work. Won’t get to try it for a couple of months.

3a) What would have made it easier to say it?

It being dark. Most things are easier if I think they can’t see me being embarassed.

4) What are your favorite sexual acts? Are there other ways you could perform them?

Oral. And probably more oral. Oh, oh! Penetration *and* oral!
Seriously, tiny little fixation, really. I’m pretty much good with about anything so long as it’s time consuming (couple of hours) and involves multiple sensations, whatever those may be. Minus extreme pain.

Other ways I could perform them, well, I could buy a dildo and perform oral on that.
Though we’d need two or three because, well, multiple sensations. Been meaning to anyway, but, well, consitently and constantly broke. As for incredibly varied sensation play, I’m generally a fan of ‘fun with household objects’ contemplation and possible implementation. We’ve got some nice bamboo rods that we’re turning into spreader bars – pretty sure they’ll also be doubling as spanking utensils.

5) What’s the best sexual experience you remember? What made it great?

It’s a toss up of giving a 100 minute oral session (So close to breaking two hours, but she caved before then. Dammit. And yes, I had a watch) Or being continuously fucked for two hours in multiple positions by a couple of people. That was quite a bit of fun, too.

Best solo experience would probably be either the first time I squirted (which surprised the hell out of me, I actually levered myself up to try and figure out why the hell it looked like somebody stuck their thumb over a hose for a couple of seconds – was on my back at the time) or the neverending-orgasm from particular kinds of stimulation.

6) What’s the hottest thing you’ve seen or read? What made it great and are there ways you could participate?

I….don’t know. I’m an avid reader, porn included. I’ll read things and find them erotic even if I’ve no fantasies *about* them – it seems to be mainly how someone writes about something. I’m also a picky reader, though. Currently looking for dark ageplay that denotes why someone is into it and how it differs from ‘light’ ageplay worked in to the story itself. Considering I’ve damn near no familiarity with that particular kind of literature (or much of anything about it, hard to find online so far) it’ll take a lot of searching, I think. Participating would be me working in ideas gotten from said lit into my own scenes – which I’ll have to do to branch them out anyway if I ever want to climax with a partner w/out cnc and ageplay based memory bits. Really, *really* hope that works.

7) Does anything from this article resonate with you? What?

The whole not being able to orgasm and it ruining relationships. While mine didn’t ruin, per se, it’s ridiculously depressing since most of my partners wouldn’t and couldn’t of been able to handle hearing that they can’t get me to climax with what they’re doing. I wasn’t keen on delving into my back consciousness, either, to be fair.